About a year and a half ago, I had the terrible and unwanted honor to write my father-in-law's eulogy. I didn't even mean to write it, not really, I just did what I always do when everything seems overwhelming and impossibly heavy: I wrote. It is what I have always done; I tried to capture the scattered wash of feelings and organize them into something that seems to make sense to me. It was not my intention to write what would ultimately become his eulogy that night, I had no claim to that; I just wrote and shared it with his family, all of them more scattered and devastated than I was, and they wanted me to read it at his funeral mass.
It was... difficult.
I have been thinking of him a lot recently, partly because Father's Day has just passed, and partly because we miss him terribly still, his absence comes up in unexpected ways, even still, and I find myself shocked again, and for a minute I have to blink my eyes hard, act like I'm OK...
The other day, I found myself wishing I had a chance to read it to him. Not because he didn't know how we all felt about him, because he had to have known that he was loved immensely, that he was appreciated and cherished. Holding back feelings is not a problem my extended family generally has. I just thought it was a nice testament to a life well lived, and maybe it would have made him smile, made him give me a hug, maybe it would have
I think he would have liked to hear what I wrote. I think he would have liked what I wrote after it was too late.
This world can be cruel and cold and unflinchingly, impossibly difficult. And I wish there was more time.
It is in this spirit that, for my next trick, I fully intend to eulogize people that I love, people that have had an impact on my life, people that are still alive, that might be able to smile and give me a hug still, now, before it is too late. I do not intend this to be as grim as it sounds. I swear it is an expression of my love and appreciation.
Maybe I better ask first, see if people would be uncomfortable to be publicly eulogized while they are still alive.
Look out people, treat me too well, you might find your name here, and have my love for you exposed on the least private place on the face of the earth.
Oh, and I'm now on Facebook (gross!), and have started an Antiartists page there for news and updates and thoughts and other nonsense. Check me out, like my stuff (as if you don't already).
Also the usual: Twitter @RDPullins, email dissent dot within at gmail dot com, comment here if you wanna. Cheers!